whatever/non-sense

“The van was parked under a row of willow trees. These trees were big and old, but their leaves were thin and gave a wavering shade. But to be alone was a great relief.”

I was reading this when I was in the bathtub alone. With no reason, it came to my mind that around one year ago I was baking egg tarts for my friend and my roommate. Now I live alone, all as I wish, but something has changed. I guess what I really miss is company and the joy of someone tasting refreshments I baked. Yet my roommate back then was extremely different from me and we were not close friends. We don’t have much in common and daily greeting could be a little awkward. I still enjoyed the feeling that I knew I was not totally alone in that apartment. I can see this is a trade off. As I want more privates, I need to give up the company I want. My second roommate, we only lived together for two months. I remembered the day when I moved out, he said it was nice to share the room with me. That word might come out as being polite, but I won’t forget the sincere he expressed. I don’t know if what I have right now is the life I want, but I am sure if I could choose, I would like to have someone’s company, someone who knows me, cares about me and whom I like.

I then realized two years ago when I was dating Nolan. He is very sweet and brought me much happiness. But I felt off in the relationship later. At that time I think I can emphasize with someone who think being alone is a great relief. I was under much pressure, I really wanted to put my life together. I was pushed hard by myself to fit in Nolan’s social circle. I decided to be honest and told Nolan how I felt. I was tremendously grieved when we sat together. I felt sorry to say that to Nolan.

Now, I have been alone, which I really enjoy. But I guess, deep in my heart I am still waiting, waiting for someone and waiting for future.